Yeshua ben Yosef

a good way to start this story was the kind of family i was born into. my mother was raised Presbyterian, but is otherwise one bad day away from becoming atheist. my father, on the other hand, was a devout Mennonite and wholeheartedly dedicated to social justice and pacifism as his spiritual calling. as a small child, we attended an Episcopalian church in my hometown (which is the church i now attend btw). i remember being drawn in by the Tiffany stained glass windows depicting the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus, and then the scene of the angel telling Mary Magdalene of Christ's resurrection. my father explained the meaning of these windows and the feeling i had was one of mystery. i was too young to completely understand, but i knew this was something important that took place in history.

later on, we attended a Presbyterian church where i was confirmed and baptized at 14. being a Mennonite, thus being an Anabaptist, my father followed the tradition that Christians be baptized when they reach adolescence. so while i was confirmed Presbyterian, Anabaptism played a huge part in the early development of my faith.

at the same time, i was always looking for something substantial. i was aware of the harm people would do using Christianity. i knew at the time i fell somewhere on the LGBT+ spectrum, but i was unsure what exactly. at the same time, Christianity felt stale. it was something i practiced because it was a cultural expectation, but i was never an atheist. instead, i looked into Hinduism, Buddhism, and different forms of paganism as well as psychedelics à la Timothy Leary, Ram Dass, Alan Watts, and Terence McKenna. however, i must state that this story is far from the "EX-NEW AGE WITCH FINDS JESUS!!" testimonies often found on Christian sections of the internet. although i am a Christian now, i still find a lot of inspiration from these different faiths and consider myself a pluralist.

however, in my late teens, i found myself groomed online into a highly toxic and abusive relationship. it would take me five years to finally leave this relationship. the experience severely stunted how i approach potentially intimate relationships with people, which is something i am still working on (with varying degrees of success over time). it also stunted my spirituality. i was never angry with God, but instead i saw God as one who was absent. God was absent and unfeeling while i suffered.

my interest in religion was still there, however. in college, i did an independent study in Celtic Christianity while also studying the Old Testament and medieval mysticism. i felt something reignite within me while thinking about Christ's life and death. God was never absent. He was suffering with me despite my blindness. on the cross, He suffered with us. He is still there suffering with us. as long as humans keep existing, Christ will suffer with us.

to put it in another way, a Sufi Muslim folk tale (i tried looking everywhere for the source but i couldn't, will update later when i have) tells of a mystic who abandoned his practice out of despair. he used to sing as his prayer, but God never responded to his petitions. God visited the devotee in his dreams and asked, "why have you abandoned your practice?" the devotee answered, "You never answered my prayers." God chuckled softly, "do you realize that I was your songs and prayers? in them, I answered you."

i can only imagine the question, "how has your faith transformed you?" and i don't have an easy short answer for that without sounding crazy. the joy this kind of path brings does not numb the pain i already have nor does it immediately rid me of my neurodivergence or queerness. anybody out there on the internet or street corner who preaches a message that Jesus is an easy-fix/cure for financial hardship, mental illness/neurodivergence, transsexuality, and/or homosexuality is not to be trusted. their primary goal is money and control despite the objections they make. rather, Jesus is a lover who takes you as you are. as it is with any lover, the journey is transformative as the couple faces the many trials and tribulations of life together. and as it is with any lover, the beloved can encounter the lover physically. Christ embodies those traits perfectly. in receiving the Eucharist, there is a stillness i have often felt which can only be comparable to a kiss. so, to answer the question, i am still the same, but i rejoice in the change of perspective Christ gives me. i fall short and forget quite often due to previous neuroticisms and traumas, but He is always there.

this is not me trying to convert anyone to Christianity under pain of eternal hellfire. i am a pluralist, and i am well aware that different cultures, upbringings, and environments influence different people's beliefs and spiritualities. but if you are even remotely interested in Christianity, this is an invitation to the wedding feast and ultimately the bedchamber where the Bridegroom is waiting. allow yourself to be enveloped by that strange, painful, and wonderful feeling of Love. you'll see what i mean 💗📿

Movies/TV

• The Wicker Man (1973)
• Penda's Fen
• Saint Young Men/Saint Oniisan
• Night on the Galactic Railroad
• Watership Down (1978)
• The Secret of Kells
• Andrei Rublev
• The Last Temptation of Christ
• The Midnight Gospel
• The Two Popes
• The Prince of Egypt
• Pan's Labyrinth
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (2005)
• The Exorcist
• Wolf's Rain
• Spring and Chaos
• The Electrical Life of Louis Wain
• Conclave

Books/Literature

• Watership Down by Richard Adams
• Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
• Warriors: Goosefeather's Curse by Erin Hunter
• The Bhagavad Gita by Maharishi Ved Vyasa
• Be Here Now by Ram Dass
• The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts
• The Upanishads
• excerpts from The Flowing Light of the Godhead by Mechthild of Magdeburg

Internet/Podcasts/Social Media

• Contemplative Outreach
• St. Anthony's Tongue
• @marymagdalenestan on ig
• @faithful_heretic_memes on ig (they also have a Neocities website!)